trans.cafe

Allies + Volunteering

Sleep Away: An Interview With Nick Teich, CEO & Founder Of Camp Aranu’tiq For Trans And Gender Variant Youth

Stories, Female-To-Male, Male-To-Female, News + Politics, Family, For Kids + Teenagers, Social, Allies + VolunteeringCharlotte Lieberman

Within mainstream media, childhood and adolescence are typically depicted as “magical.” As a kid, I was probably my most anxious, self-doubting and socially-neurotic self. I felt estranged from my body, and mistrusting of my friendships. And all of this was as a cisgender, white, pretty privileged kid. What I mean to say is this: growing up is—or can be—hard.


How To Be A Good Trans Ally

Community + Allies, Allies + Volunteeringtrans.cafe

1. Be proactive about pronouns.

Most people are cis gender, which means they identify with the gender they were assigned at birth. They may also take for granted their ability to identify with their assigned gender. The majority of cis people also present legibly as their assigned gender—and make it easy for the world to assume what their pronouns are: she/her for women, he/him for men.

But the truth is that you can’t tell anyone’s gender just by looking at them. Some folks who might look to you like women may identify as men; perhaps they are not interested in presenting as traditionally masculine, but want to use male pronouns. That’s their prerogative. So it’s up to allies, cis or trans-identified, to be sensitive about pronouns. Listen to others first to hear what pronouns are being used to refer to that person. If you want to ask directly about their pronouns, start with yourself: “I’m Sally and I use the pronouns she/her.” If you do end up using the wrong pronouns, apologize and let it go. Being sensitive and open to learning is the most important thing—so try your best, even if you mess up once or twice.

2. Realize that someone else’s genitals and/or sex life is not your business.

Let us ask you this: would you ever walk up to someone—a non-trans-identified, cis person—at a party and ask them about their genitals, or what kinds of things they got up to with a sexual partner? We are guessing the answer is no.

So, the same rules of being appropriate apply for interacting with trans folks—intrigued as you may be to know more details. Period.

3. Avoid qualified compliments.

Another phrase for these might be “backhanded compliments”—compliments that assume a level of privilege and are condescending, such as “You’re smart for someone who didn’t go to college.”

For trans folks, don’t give compliments that you feel have the implied qualification of “for a trans person.” In other words, if a trans woman looks gorgeous, you can tell her so—but don’t say things like, “Wow! You look so feminine!”, “You look like a real woman!”  These kinds of statements are alienating and insulting.

4. Respect how people self-identify.

A lot of the vocabulary around transgender identity is not exactly mainstream—and it’s OK if you’re new to it. The way to be a good ally is to show respect for the vocabulary people use to self-identify. If someone tells you they use the pronouns “they/them/theirs,” it may be unfamiliar to you, but respect it. No one can determine anyone else’s gender—and being averse to the notion of a non-gendered pronoun, or the idea of being “genderqueer” or “non-binary” carries with it many prejudiced assumptions that ultimately deny the validity of someone else’s very personal beliefs about how they exist in the world.

The same way you walk into a new place and say, “Hi my name is X” and people believe you and respect your name, you can respect the identity of others by respecting their terminology.

5. Know that sexuality and gender identity are separate.

One of the most common assumptions about trans folks is that they’re “gay” or somehow trying to express something about their sexuality. The bottom line is that gender and sexual orientation are totally different! A trans woman who likes women may identity as a lesbian, bisexual, queer, or may prefer not to use labels. This question is unrelated to how she identifies in her own body.

While we’re certainly not recommending that you walk around and randomly ask strangers about their sexuality, we want to point out that you should be sensitive to the differences here, and the various nuances that exist around one’s own gender expression, and one’s sexual interests with regard to the gender expression of others.

So, these are just five basic ways to begin your journey as an ally. We look forward to sharing more posts like these, and hope to hear from you with resources and ideas you’ve found especially helpful.  


Hello, My Name Is Natalie. I Am Transgender And I Am Proud

Questioning, Gender Fluid, Coming Out, Stories, Female-To-Male, Fitness + Diet, Mind + Spirit, Medicine, Confirmation Procedures, In Transition, Men's Style, For Kids + Teenagers, Work + School, Community + Allies, Social, Personal Branding, Continuing Education, Job Boards, Know Your Rights, Suicide Prevention, Intervention Support, Allies + Volunteering, CommunityNatalie Egan
NatalieJaneEgan

As many of you know, and as many of you do not know, I don’t go by Nathan anymore. My full name is Natalie Jane Egan and today is kind of a big day.

Besides coming out “online” as Natalie and now being openly transgender on the Internet, I am also announcing my new company: trans.cafe (more on the biz in a bit).

I realize many of you know me for different reasons. Some of you are my brothers and sisters; others are friends, professional colleagues, or acquaintances at some level and for some reason. If you’re getting this message, chances are we somehow know each other, or know friends in common, and I want to thank you in advance for your support. And, if I don’t know you at all, I hope my message helps you or someone you know find their true identity.

So yeah, I am transgender. Oddly enough, I really didn’t even know this until pretty recently. But before you jump to any conclusions, let me answer some commonly asked questions, and address some reactions I anticipate:

What does being transgender mean? To me, being transgender is a matter of my identity. Despite the fact that I was biologically born a boy named Nathan, my gender identity, the way I want to express myself, is female. This has been a profoundly personal realization for me and shouldn’t matter to anyone. I want to live my life as me—not as the person society wants me to be. Don’t we all deserve that right? I am not hurting anyone. If anything, I am setting people free. If you have a problem with me being “me,” you should really think about why that is the case.

“But Nathan was so manly!” Well... sort-of. You’re right that my outward appearance was “manly.” You may remember me as a rather large, hairy, OCD / hyper-controlling alpha-male that at times could be quite uncouth. But if you really knew me, you knew that inside I was a very nurturing, sensitive, open, and colorful person that loves shopping and art and flowers and doing “feminine” things like going to the spa. I also always wished I was pretty and that I could be a mom. If you are confused, imagine how I felt! Until recently, I never even knew I had a choice to express my true self, nor did I realize anyone else felt similarly to me… I’m grateful that I do now, so I am going to live the rest of my life like it is the only one I have got!

So, how do I identify? To be clear, I identify completely as a woman. Genetically, I was not born as a woman and yet I have the right to identify as one. Please use the pronouns “she and her” with me. I also don’t mind words like babe, girl, girlfriend, sister, and woman as long as you have a little class in your delivery.

What bathroom am I using? When I look like I do in the middle picture above (which, for now, is still about 80% of the time), I simply try and avoid using public bathrooms. It really sucks. But the good news is that I am making great progress with my transition, and eventually I will look much more like the Natalie on the right! Hopefully, by the time that happens (about 12-18 months), this whole bathroom debate will be over and no one else, no matter how they identify or what they look like, will have to suffer from not peeing.

How could I not know I was transgender? The truth is I always knew I was “different.” But I didn’t yet have the vocabulary to pinpoint why exactly. I didn’t know why I wanted to be pretty or why I was drawn to the color pink when I was younger. I just did. And no one readily used the word “transgender” when I was growing up—and don’t forget, there was no internet. So I felt totally alone, which left me feeling alienated and unsure of what was “wrong” with me. It was only about 9 months ago that I finally accepted that I was transgender and not just a “crossdresser” (although that took a very long time for me to accept, too).

Do I think I was born in the wrong body? No! But I definitely went through a phase where I thought that was the case. I now truly believe that I was born in the right body and all of this was meant to happen. I was meant to meet Nancy and make our kids. I was meant to start trans.cafe and you were meant to read this. Together we will change the world.

What about my kids? Van, Brook, and Teddy are all fine! Seriously. If they were older, it would be harder for them to process for sure. This a transition for them too. But they are all at a good age for acceptance, and as a family we love each other totally unconditionally. So while all of this isn’t easy, what my kids “get” is a happier more loving parent who is more present and connected than ever before. That is all that matters.

What about Nancy? This has been really hard for everyone, especially Nancy. And through it all, she has been unbelievably supportive of me and the kids and I love her so much for it. We are deeply committed to helping one another live happy and healthy lives, but again, that doesn’t make this easy. The bottom line is that we have a foundation of mutual respect, love and support. Every day, we look forward to helping each other be the best versions of ourselves, and to being great co-moms for our kids.

What happened with PeopleLinx? As many of you know, PeopleLinx is the software company I started in my basement in 2008. As CEO for six years, we put more than $8M to work in the US economy, and created 35+ full-time jobs in Philadelphia. In mid-2015, I voluntarily resigned for personal reasons (which may be clearer to you now - haha), and today the team is being led by my good friend and our former Chief Operating Officer, Kevin O’Nell. So to answer the question, PeopleLinx is doing great and I am still an active member of the Board of Directors.

Where am I in my transition and how far will I go? Let me start with a friendly reminder that this is not really an appropriate question to ask a trans person, especially if you don’t know them well. Everyone expresses their gender identity differently, and is a matter so personal it just isn’t other people’s business. That said, I don’t mind sharing. I have started hormones, which is amazing, and is connecting me with my body and humanity and the earth in ways I never knew possible (BTW: I love to talk about the hormones part, so always happy to chat about that one). I am also currently doing hair removal procedures, which are super painful but I love the way they make me feel afterwards. Other than that, I am taking all of this very slowly and my only basic expectation is to feel a sense of progress towards being my real self.

Am I happy? Healthy? OMG yes! In fact, I am both the happiest and the healthiest I’ve ever been. I have lost 40+ lbs in the last nine months, simply by becoming more mindful of what I put in my body (regular exercise helped too). I also quit smoking cigarettes completely (I was smoking a full-pack-per-day!), and cut my drinking and any other unhealthy activities by at least 80%. I am also no longer dealing with depression, or the suicidal thoughts that plagued me over the last year. Those dark days were especially hard as I lived in fear of being outed or blackmailed and ultimately rejected by society because someone “knew” I like to do things that women do (which is totally ridiculous now in retrospect). Today, I have a ton of energy, am super focused, and I know I am making a real difference in the world. I also know that I am a great parent for these kids. What else could I ask for? Well sure, there are a lot of other things I want, but you get my point.

So what is my new business? trans.cafe is an information hub for both consumer and institutional audiences related to a broad range of transgender issues. I started trans.cafe because I myself really struggled to find good, up-to-date information about being transgender. It was even harder for my friends and family, all of whom immediately Googled the word “transgender” when I first said it, and still felt in the dark about the nuances of what I was going through. Furthermore, I found corporations have no tools, language, or metrics to handle the growing number of both employees and customers that identify as transgender. That fact is that everyone deserves access to current, high quality information about trans issues and that is what we are doing. Our vision is to change the way the world thinks about identity and being who you want to be.

*Please note, I don’t claim to be an expert on being transgender or plan on being the authoritative voice of transgender people. That’s an impossible feat, as there’s no such thing as a homogenous “transgender community.” I am, however, an expert in building digital platforms and connecting communities so they can share their experiences and self-identify with what matters to them.

So what else? What can you expect? To be honest, I don’t know really know. I am learning more and more about myself and my transition everyday and it is super exciting. Please know that you will probably keep seeing subtle changes in me and I will try and keep you in the loop on important matters. Most importantly, know that I am working really hard to support my family as best I can.

How can you help? All I really need is your love and support and ask that you respect my right to identify with who it is I really am. My family needs your support too. It means so much to me and to them to know you care, please show you do by sharing this article with your friends and loved ones! It would also be super helpful if could spread the word about trans.cafe as a resource for consumers and corporations on trans related issues.

In closing, remember this: being transgender is about more than gender. It is about identifying with who you want to be—not who others want or expect you to be. If you want to change your life: DO IT!

Big love to all of you. Thank you again for your support. There is so much more to come!

XOXOX

-Natalie

PS: Please remember to call me Natalie (or Nat, or even Natty) if / when you respond or comment. Also, please also use the pronouns she / her and try to avoid declarations like DUDE and bro! If you make a mistake that is fine but just keep trying. You will get it!

* Note - we intentionally keep comments “off” for trans.cafe because of the broad range of readers (from kids to parents to corporate professionals) and encourage you to continue an authentic conversation on your social media networks. You can also reach out to me or the company directly if you want to chat!